Saturday, March 24, 2012

Machete Mitch

     I am not foreseeing the ability to post for a while so I will leave you with a story that has been moving along the trail with me.


     About a hundred miles ago I started to hear about a guy who was hiking with a big machete sticking out from the top of his pack.  Having hiked with "Big Dumb Animal" and his machete I didn't think much of it. The further I went thought the more I heard.  People were saying that he ripped open a couple guys' tents in the middle of the night and scared them half to death.  Others told me that he was wanted by the authorities from Pennsylvania for some unknown heinous crime.  It seemed from the tales I heard that he was four or five days ahead of me, so again, why worry?

     Into North Carolina I go without hearing anything about him for a few days, but eventually the rumors start up again.  Now, he is off his medications and constantly losing his backpack and getting lost.  He gets off the trail unintentionally, bushwhacks through the brush for ten miles or so and somehow finds his way back looking more ragged than before.

     I stopped at a shelter one day to eat lunch and shoot the breeze with other hikers.  We talked about our favorite fantasy movies, books and lots of other nerdy topics.  Then one of the fellows mentioned that he had the unfortunate experience of sharing a shelter with Machete Mitch for two nights.  He confirmed that he did indeed carry a machete and that it is sharpened on both sides which is supposedly illegal.  This hiker also noted that Machete Mich is also forgoing a tent or sleeping bag, but is strangely enough carrying an iPad.  We joked that he didn't need his sleeping bag or tent, he could download a campfire app and warm his hand by that during the night.

     The morning before descending into the N.O.C. I was eating breakfast at the shelter I stayed near the night before.  All the shelters have registers, which are notebooks that hikers write their names or little blurbs about something nonsensical.  I was perusing this shelters register when I came upon an entry by Machete Mitch himself.  Up to this point I was beginning to doubt that this guy even existed, but now here is an entry from the loony himself.  His chicken scratch writing rambled on about wanting to find a bear and make it carry his backpack and something about burying bodies.  Okay, this guy is officially scary, but the entry was dated four days ago so I felt fine.

     Limping into the N.O.C. Machete Mitch was the furthest thing from my mind.  I got my bunk for the night and soaked my legs.  Afterwards, I went into the common area of the bunkhouse complex that had a kitchen and large eating area.  While strolling through, I stopped mid stride and my breath caught in my chest when I saw a small backpack with a large machete sticking out of the top sitting on a bench.  I looked around, but no one else was in the eating area.  I even looked under the benches and tables just to make sure he wasn't lurking there with his iPad waiting to devour my soul.  Maybe he is in the refrigerator poised to pounce on some poor unsuspecting hiker.  I quickly fled the common area and met up with some other hikers for dinner.  I relayed to them what I witnessed earlier and we decided to go back there upon finishing our meals and after I drank two Sex Vikings.

     Sitting in the eating area now with the confidence of two other people I waited for the owner of the backpack to show himself.  A few hikers that I have seen before came and went, but no Machete Mitch.  Then, a short mongoloid looking fellow with a large upper head and eyes spaced too far apart entered with his dog.  I chatted him up a bit and learned his name was Shelter Stew.  He started the trail in mid February and was just kinda floating along.  He said that he had been there at the N.O.C. for four days and was hanging with his buddy Mitch.  Right then, in he walked.  Standing in front of me was the person I had heard so much about.  The man who wanted to use a bear as a pack mule and was burying people along the way.  The man being hunted by the authorities across state lines for his crimes.  So scary was this guy that two days ago we saw horse manure on the trail and was told that it was from pack animals so the police had a way to drag this fiend out when they finally caught him.  Looming in front of me was not the monster I imagined, but a shirtless, short, fat unimpressive kid with a greasy face and man boobs fiddling with his iPad.  He reminded me of someone you would see on an episode of COPS who just got beat up by his baby-mamma.

     Leaving the N.O.C the next morning I chuckled to myself about how big the story grew and how my mind built him up to be some slasher movie villain.  Oh well, it was a good story.


~Frenchy

15 comments:

  1. First, I'm loving reading about this trip. I'm am both jealous and entertained.

    Second, you need to perpetuate the rumor - blow it up even worse than you heard. I wonder how many folks you talked to were on the same mission?

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  2. Be aware. It is usually the little hamster lover down the street that is the serial killer. Travel on.

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  3. Just wait until he gets you in the woods, he might make you squeel like a pig and be his pack mule, Joking of course.

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  4. Hey Matt, here's a trick to tell basic barometric pressure using a hot cup of coffee, tea, or cocoa; when you pour the coffee into the cup, watch the bubbles. If they move to the edge of the cup quickly you can expect clear skies for the next 12 hours, if they hang out in the center expect rain in the next 12 hours, and if the bubbles move slowly to the edge you may get a bit of weather, but it will clear soon.
    This trick came from a long ago issue of Backpacker Magazine. If you're out camping without an internet connection it may come in handy someday (test this!)

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  5. Matt, told Julie a few tidbits from this post during our morning walk, and sent them the link so they can keep up first hand - you are going to have stories to tell for years!!

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    1. Thanks Robin, I thought I sent a link to Don's email address. Let me know if I should send a new one?

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    2. Hey Matt! You should not judge a book by it's cover! I am a very close friend of Machete Mitch and yes he is as looney as the stories say despite the way he looks! He definitely brings the crazy! LOL!

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    3. The stories have definitely been crazy and are ongoing!

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  6. Define Crazy... I don't want the bear to carry my pack. Hell, there ant much in it anyway... I just wouldn't mind having the same bear around for longer than 5 min. They are a lot like dogs, but bigger, with claws. They are a lot like raccoons to tell you the truth and i had one of them with me when i was on a 30 day camping trip, with no resupply. My hand writing is kinda bad. I was saying that i am not burring people in that note, or killing them. The part about the the pack and the bear, i was saying i wouldn't want to carry a pack a bear would need if it had one. Are you sure it was the same person you saw? Im 5'6" and weigh 157lbs. Think you have to weigh a bit more than that for bitch tits. Sounds like the person you are talking about was a friend of mine. I was tired of people bothering me, and i wanted to see what others were saying about me. Thats hard to do when people know who you are. I know this guy Jeff. I want him to come down here actually. He is 5'4" and maybe 130lbs. He has 5 justifiable homicides and he is small. Smart with wilderness stuff though. Best hunter i know. Even better than the people I learned from. You would never guess he could kill 5 people from the looks of him. The only people i even talk to while walking at night are the ones that already met and know me. I do this assuming that, that person already told others around them that i am not hurting people. Stories were more true before i met tigger, an abandon girl that was hurt. Two from the group that left her started the bad roomers cause i chose to help her. When i was in the military, we followed this oath to never leave a fallen comrade. Funny, cause one in that group was military. My guess is that he was a soft skill kind. Weak people, half people... I don't leave people that are hurt and people are safe around me. You can ask craftsman or Rjoe. I left the trail to explore for a bit with them. I didn't leave them when they were washing over a waterfall, or when craftsman was going through hypothermia. I even made him a fire and some coffee to help him out. The stories of me ripping open tents, i guess, is from when i come out of the brush to tell someone not to camp in a spot cause it could flood. The wood was going to be hard to light too cause it was damp and in low ground. I went to jail with Rjoe just to make sure they didn't keep him in there when we were in gatlinburg tn. I'm just looking for fun stuff to do. The trail is just there for me to follow when i want an easy on the mind day. Using a compass or other land navigation methods, i can go without sometime. Im not here to race, or kill people. I'm here for the freedom the wild provides. Shelter Stew is cool and his eyes don't seem too far apart. He has thoughts and ideas that are outside of the box. I like people like that. If any one of you want to explore or try something new, chances are ill join in Matt. Thats how you learn new stuff. I learned how to pan for gold for example. I can go on but im tired. Have fun n ill see u all around, even if none of you see me.

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  7. I dated this guy years ago, I know him personally. He is an attention seeking loser who ran away to the woods because he didn't want to work. He has a kid too.

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  8. who else goes camping with an iPad? I mean really.....he gets off on making people think he's some crazy, outgoing, adventure-seeking awesome guy but he's really just a F-ing bum who is desperate for attention. Brought an iPad so he could videotape himself.....he has his own facebook page, actually facbook PUBLIC FIGURE page. Definately needs some help.......has a "business" (if you want to call it that) but he cares more about posting videos of himself for attention than upkeeping his business site. look him up on facebook. I know him better than anyone else. I'm SOOOO disgusted with him i couldn't resist saying something even though no one has talked about this for a few months. Must be nice to decide you are lazy and don't want to work or pay bills or take care of your kid you're rather run away and play in the woods for a few months......all while posting videos/pics of yourself and keeping a detailed facebook page. Sad. And with that I'm done commenting.

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  9. Anonymous person right?... There is only one person that would say that stuff. My daughter is doing great, Tonight is the first night i posted any videos, and get over the fact that i kept your bed... I had to throw mine out when you moved in and you cost me way more than what your bed was worth. I took the Ipad for positive plant I.D. and because i could download books to read. My daughter had school. So she couldn't come Sue! Just think, i saved you from drowning in icy waters, in the middle of winter, after you wrecked your car drunk, and you still hate me. You remember that? I told you that water cold would take the breath out of you. You froze up like a statue! Lol, its okay. Happens to almost everyone the first time. Should i go on about all the other stuff i done for you? Im glad to know you still care, cause if you didn't care you would not have taken the time to write this. Don't judge what you do not understand. That would be me. The trail was great by the way. Too bad you didn't have the chance to come. Jarrod made the facebook page by the way, not me. Nick, who works making professional videos on the trail is the one that wanted to film some of the stuff i did, i never asked him to. I have a book for you by the way, since you been asking me how to start a business sue. I called n told your dad. Ill drop it off with him. Good luck with your business you want to start and thanks for speaking so highly of me.

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    1. A guy went missing from Newfound Gap. He left everything behind in his car left a note. I don't know if anyone has seen him or cross him. I am asking you because it seems you and others might read this and get word to gin his family is missing him. They just want to know he is ok.
      He went missing March. Thanks if your still in the mountains maybe get word out. Have fun on your trip.

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  10. I personally know Machete Mitch. I he is from the same are as I. He is a man of Integrity, personal courage, commitment, honor, selfless service, and the ability to make a bomb out of 2 sticks, a piece of bubble gum, the other end of a match, a filed down striking plate, and a wet fart, but else would you expect for an Army Infantry man! Drive on mitch! and those who believe that he couldn't stalk you for months just to scare the shit out of you for talking like assholes...well your wrong, but he wouldn't do that unless you deserved it! and anonymous person! what the hell kind of hater goes on a website and bashes someone with a bunch of ridiculous bullshit like that! the guy is living his life! hes a really good dad! just a man living! i think you need to take a hike off a dam bridge! Keep on! mitch! love the photos

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  11. From a MOM****That would be my son who went missing from Newfoundland Gap. Machete Mitch has been nothing but kind to me and is looking out for my son. He is a parent too and understands the unconditional love of a child. Carry On, Machete Mitch!

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